Who am I?

"I'm just a girl with a lot on her mind and a big love for cats.

Just me.
Just meow."

Saturday, 27 December 2014

Let's make 2015 amazing!


First of all: HOW WAS YOUR CHRISTMAS? Sadly, Christmas is now over but I hope it was your best Christmas ever! Second of all: I had a realisation moment today about how soon it's 2015 already! I know everyone says it, but 2014 has gone by so quickly. Personally, I'm always very VERY excited about the new year, because soon 2014 will just be another chapter of my life and 2015 is a fresh new chapter, with all kinds of new surprises ahead of me. On twitter I was talking to two girls, 
(@LivieSlater and @velvetlindley_ ) who gave me the idea to do a blog post about what was amazing about 2014 and what I want to change in 2015. I loved this idea, so here I am, sitting in bed at 1:43 AM, thinking about what I want to do to make my life better in the next year.

I already told you about how excited I get for a new year. But once you start thinking about it, it's also really scary to start a new year. What if this year is going to be that horrible year that I would never want to think about again? My 2015 contains GCSE's and college. What if I fail? What if i pass, but hate the college I chose and just ruin a year of my life with it? Or even worse stuff that could happen: what if I'm going to lose people I love, or a war will start? I don't really want to think about all that. But most of the time when I do think about bad stuff that could happen in the new year, I tell myself that there are a lot more positive things that could happen than negative things. And you can do most of the positive things on your own, and that's how you can make your year a great year, even when bad stuff happens!

The only problem is that I didn't do that this year. YEP, jumping straight into the stuff I could've done differently what would've made 2014 better than it was. If you've read my other blog posts, or maybe just the one before this one, you'll know that I'm a very, VERY insecure person. Whenever something bad happened this year, I would just make myself even more sad by telling myself that it's all my own fault and I should've kept things to myself. For example, whenever I had problems with friends. Some of them can get a bit cranky really quickly, so whenever I would stand up for myself or just try to tell them that I didn't like something, they would already get a bit annoyed, and I would notice that and it made me feel terrible. So after hiding under my blankets for a while telling myself that I'm an idiot for even opening my mouth about it, I would promise myself I would never speak up anymore in a situation like that. And I wouldn't, and it would indeed prevent drama, but even that made me feel insecure. The thoughts that would go through my head after something like that happened, would be "Why are you such a whimp? You're afraid of telling your own friends what you really think." Aaaand I would feel exactly the same way as I did before. In the new year, I don't want to tell myself that I should shut my mouth or that I'm a total loser. I want to tell myself that I should be able to speak up against my friends, and if they don't agree, then they're apparently not good friends. I know that that will be really difficult, but I want to try. The ironic part is that maybe I should start doing that now, but tonight actually was one of those nights when I'm just alone in bed feeling worse and worse about myself.

I think that's the biggest thing that pops up into my head when I try to think of stuff I wish I did differently in 2014. Ofcourse, there is stuff like "try to finish my homework in time" and "stop wasting so much money" and "eating healthier", but we all know that as a girl, sixteen years old, that's not going to change in the next year. Although I would like to change all of those three things as well.

So my main new years resolution is to be more confident. More confident in the way I live, but also more confident about the way I look. That's one thing I've already started doing! Lately I've gotten up earlier and putting more effort into my hair and make-up, and it is actually paying off, since I don't cringe when I walk past a mirror anymore, but actually kinda like the way I look now.

WELL after all that ranting about what I did wrong in my eyes and what I want to change, there ARE actually a few things I'm really happy about how they went in 2014.
The first thing is the fact that my new years resolution for 2014 was to become a vegetarian. And guess what? I still am! I'm really grateful for my mum cooking the meat seperately for me so I can just enjoy the meals my family is having, but just without the meat in it. If you're considering becoming a vegetarian as well: I say go for it! It might seem hard at the beginning, but after a while you will actually be disgusted by the look of meat. I know I am. And now I just know that I will never eat meat again for my entire life. I just can't, I already feel sick when I'm watching a cooking show and they're cutting or cooking meat. 
I also got pretty good grades this year AND got a job which I actually enjoy doing! And with that job came new colleagues, which I can now call good friends as well. I really hope these three things will stay in the new year. 

Writing a blog post really helps getting things off my chest and convincing myself that I actually am able to do stuff I want, and that I am not worthless. At the beginning of this evening, I didn't even feel like trying to make 2015 a good year. I kind of gave up. But while writing this blog post, I convinced myself into trying to be more confident and to keep doing what I'm proud of doing this year. That's why I REALLY want to keep writing blog posts in 2015. <3

So those were the main things that sum up my 2014. Things I'm not that proud of, but also some that I'm really happy about. I really hope that whoever is reading this, it will help you to feel inspired to make YOUR 2015 amazing as well. Please comment what sums up your 2014, the good and bad stuff. It helped me to feel good about the new year, and it probably will help you too. c:

And if you don't, I wish you a very very happy new year and a great 2015! <3

Monday, 22 December 2014

Insecurities pt. 2

Hiya! Guess who's back.. back.. back.. Back aga- 
Okay, I'll stop right away with that.

I'm not exactly sure why I stopped blogging in the first place. Time issues I guess. And I know I will get time issues again, since I'm in my final year of secondary school. So I won't be posting something every week. Although I will try, I know at some point I won't be able to do that. Also, if I hadn't done that in another post, I apologize for bad grammar here and there. English is my best course but it's not my main language. I hope I won't screw it up too much. Bear with me. 

But the title of this post isn't about me picking up blogging again. It's about insecurities, part 2, to be specific. I want to write about this because of my own insecurities, once again.
The last post I did about insecurities was mainly about clothes and dressing the way you want. This one is more about the way you live your life and what will happen to you in the future. A little deeper than the last one, I know. At the moment there's this boy I met on a night out about three weeks ago. I kinda like him and we have talked since we met. But right now, I'm scared he will never reply to me anymore. And it's not the first time that I think that. He has been online and he has read the message I sent, and my insecurities already took over and made me send another 2 or 3 messages. I know, I know, it's bad. And whenever I send something while he didn't respond to another message yet, I feel bad about it right after I send it. My mind goes: "Oh my god, he still didn't respond but he has been online like 5 times. What if he hates me? Or what if he just read the message, then went to do something else and then forgot about it? I'm going to send something after it, and if he responds I know he doesn't hate me, and if he doesn't respond to that either he probably hates me.". And right after I send something, my mind goes: "I shouldn't have done that. Now he's gonna see me as a stalker. Now he definitely won't respond. And what if he really doesn't respond and I was right? What if he DOES hate me? I don't even want to know that.". (I know, I know, typical teen girl behavior, and if he does hate me I should probably just stop giving attention to him, but it's DIFFICULT.)

And then after like a day, that whole thing repeats itself. And now you're probably thinking: But if he doesn't respond for that long, why are you still bothering? There are two reasons. The first one is that he HAS responded to me after like two days in the past, and then we had a very nice and fun conversation and he wasn't annoyed or something like that, which makes me think that the extra messages actually did help. (Silly me.). And the second reason is that he has had surgery, and sometimes he just doesn't respond because he still feels very ill because of the surgery. He told me a couple of days ago he feels better now, but now when he doesn't respond, I try to comfort myself by thinking
 "He probably has a bad day or something". 
Anyway, that is what my brain can't stop thinking about lately and it's absolutely driving me MAD. But while I'm typing this, I also think more and more: WHY ON EARTH DO I WORRY ABOUT THIS SO MUCH? I'm a girl, sixteen years old, and all I can worry about right now is a BOY. It's so typical. And still, even while right now all I'm thinking is "Just forget about him", I can't. It's like I have two people living in my head. One of them is the typical dumb teenage girl, who freaks out about everything and won't accept it when someone doesn't like her because it'll crush her. The other one is the responsible, smart and calm woman, who knows it isn't the end of the world if he will never text back and that I've got plenty of time to find the perfect guy. But for one stupid reason, the dumb teenage girl always wins from the calm woman. And that reason is INSECURITIES. This whole story is just an example, but the situation with the two people in my head and the calm one always losing to the one who freaks out, happens so often, and it makes me mad. I know there are so so so so many people dealing with this, and I'm not saying it's something terrible that will haunt you for the rest of your life. You can overcome it, it's just really hard. But how ridiculous is it, that when you have two options, freaking the fuck out or remaining calm and knowing it will all be okay, YOU ALWAYS GO FOR THE FIRST ONE. Not because you want to, but when you choose for remaining calm, you will still freak out in the back of your head. If anyone reading this has tips about staying calm, and maybe even tips about the whole situation with the guy I described, please comment them. :') The other "insecurities" post I did ended on a positive note, with me encouraging people to overcome their insecurities and just DO what you want to do, but to be honest, I don't really know how to overcome this, so I was hoping people who read this might be able to help! I am not going to read this post after I finish it, because then I will have to delete parts of it because I think it'll look stupid and I don't want that, because I wrote how I feel about it and I want that all to be in it, so I'm sorry if you discover spelling mistakes :'). I will try to make my next post more fun, and not about serious life stuff. :P Thank you for reading!